Darkness Fell. . .
Then the unthinkable happend. . . My secret wuz discoverd by my mother. She wuz heart broken, I think because she didn't see it comin or that she just couldn't bring herself to believe it. I felt that I had betrayed and dishonored my mother. . . So I moved out! I could not look her in the face no longer.
I learned right off that the world is a very cold place when you are on your own. I had to getta job and still go to school. It wuz tough and bein a loner really wuz a hinderance. I fell in love wit someone who I thought would make the travel through life a little less lonely. . . But there is nothin worse then bein wit someone and still feelin alone. . . I think that'z even worse!!
I wuz to learn to stand on my own, mentally and emotionally. This made a change in me. I became cold and calculatin. . . not givin a fuk bout shit but my survival. I wuz workin to get my shit together. I fought to get into college.
touch me I change...
I wuz makin some upward stridez. Now it was time to face my mother. My mother and I talked, but not about bein gay, but about how thingz are. It was that moment that my mother and I became friendz. We talked and we listend. We respected each other. . . I wuz now able to do thingz for her. I would call her and ask if she wuz hungery, send her food. . . flowers. . . anything to repay the love that she haz shown me. But my mother was also hidin a dark secret. My mother wuz dyin of a heart condition. . . But like me, she wuz a master of hidin what wuz goin on in her life. . . I should have seen the signz though, the life insurance policy, the tripz to the doctorz. But one day we were talkin. . . I was tryin inadvertantly to ask her what to do in regardz to my present relationship. I was tellin her that I was tryin to help someone, but it seemz like I wuz wastin my time, she looked @ me and said "not everone wantz to be helped!!" I felt better about myself. . . but her face wuz full of pain.
I went to get here some water. I knew that somethin wuz not right. I told her I wuz goin to call for help. She didn't want me too. I told her that I was goin to wait a few minutez and if she didn't look better I wuz goin to drive her to the hospital myself. I had to drive there. . . It wuz the scariest thing I ever had to do. I later found out that my mother had a heart attack. I could remeber lookin @ her on that table and knowin that my time wit her wuz short. I whispered a prayer. I wanted her to see me graduate from college, just for her to hold on a little while longer. I started to see her on a daily basis. Anythin she needed I was there. . . We became so close that I could brin my @ the time boyfriend shoppin wit uz. We never talked about me bein gay, but I knew it wuz ok wit her. I knew that she loved me. Even though she didn't tell me, we both felt it. My mother died durin an operation, just after I turned 20. My heart was filled wit pain and hurt. But I knew that she held on long enough to know that her children would be alright. I felt that the only reason she left wuz because she knew I would be what I was destined to be.
touch me I change...
It seemz that all my life I wuz helpin people wit there problemz, alwayz bein that shoulder to cry on. . . that life jacket, but in my time of need I seem to walk alone. . . The road of a loner iz a lonely one.
I can sometimes hear her pushin me on whenever I get discouraged or feel like givin up. . . So I am determined to get to the finish line.
Life lessonz. . .
"Don't lead me to temptation, for I can find the way myself!"
"Never ask for somethin you can't give!!"
"Don't try to be a great man, just be a man. . . let history decide the rest!!"
"Walk in my shoez, hurt your feet: then you know why I do dirt in the street!!"
"Sometimez good people do bad thingz. . . "
"If you've never met me, then you've no right to judge me. . . Got a good heart, but thiz heart can get ugly. . ."
"Every thought doez not need a voice, but every voice should have some thought behind it. . ."
"I am male be design. . . A man by my actionz. . ."
touch me I change...
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Follow the way of the Warrior. . . it will light a path to the undiscovered!!
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